As I’m writing, tears a rolling down my cheeks….

I am super vulnerable at the moment and yes I could stop in an instant my feeling of hurt by shifting my mind but I don’t want to because I really want to explore the raw emotion.

I asked my daughter for a week now to tidy up her room and bring me the dirty laundry so I can fill the washing machine as there’s not enough clothes without hers.

She promised and nothing happened…..today I took her to the school because she’s going away for a 2 day trip and if I haven’t took her she’d be late. I told her that I love her when we parted. Yes I do even if I can’t feel it right now. On the way home tears started to roll and I didn’t stop them as usual….

Right now I want to be with my feelings of hurt, anger, frustration……

She’s 17 and I just feel that she doesn’t give a damn about anything but herself expecting everything from me: Her favourite lunch to be ready when she comes home, money whenever she needs it, driving her to wherever she needs because she didn’t wake up on time…..

Oh my does it hurt……and it’s ok…..I am entitled to feel these emotions and no, I won’t stop it…..they have to be felt…..I always stop myself by saying to myself:” Oh, come on, there’s so much horrible things going on in the world and you’re crying about a messy room????”

Yes, I am and I’ll stay with it because I know there’s something that must be released and I’ll let it happen.

Of course no one can make me feel hurt, angry, disappointed……it’s an inside job…..I do it to me.

But this time I’ll let the tears flow….wait I’ll bring a tissue……

There’s so much going on inside of me……I miss my parents….and yes, I made a conscious decision to stay at home instead of travelling to them because my daughter has to study and if I wasn’t home I wouldn’t have a peaceful minute thinking:” Did she wake up in time to go to school?

Did she eat properly? Did she do her homework?”

On the other hand I know that my parents won’t be around forever……dad is 89, mom 87……

I talked to dad over Skype yesterday and usually we talk very briefly since mom is the one who likes to talk for hours but this time she wasn’t around and he was so grateful for our chat and asking me if there’s a way I could come to visit and I’m totally torn inside……

Dear tears, continue flowing, it’s ok……

Now when I look inside I notice that they seized to flow and I am wondering whether I rationalised myself out of the emotions or by allowing them to be they stopped…….

There’s still the emotion of sadness….I can feel it in my chest and also a content feeling for allowing myself to be super vulnerable.

And that’s so relieving. Not having to put on a happy face, feeling the raw emotion of vulnerability…..deep breath…..and there is the emotion of love surfacing……and tears of love……

Now I can feel the love for my daughter and the love for my parents and it really doesn’t make a difference if I am with them physically….I know that this pure love is reaching them even if we’re thousands of miles apart….

I felt it for an instant…..it’s not here at the moment but that instant was so deep and powerful that it calmed me down and the tears seized to flow.(Well there are still some rolling but without any emotional distress).

So yes, people can trigger you to feel sad, angry, frustrated and anything else but they can’t make you feel what you feel……it’s what you do with it: You always have a choice!

This was the first time I allowed them to be…..without trying to push them away, without judging, without analysing just be.

Now I can clearly see that blaming my daughter for being selfish is ridiculous. She’s doing what she does the best she can and it has got nothing to do with me.

Yes, I will talk to her when she comes back from her trip and I’ll let her know how I feel but it’ll come from a different place in me: From a place of love and the importance of sharing my feelings with her. I own my feelings and I am the only one responsible for how I feel.

I am so glad I wrote this down and I wonder if you have experienced  similar moments of emotional distresses, blaming others for how you feel and then realising that it’s an inside job?

Have you ever allowed yourself to simply be with whatever you feel?

How was that experience?

Looking forward to your comments as I believe that we can learn so much from one another.

Love coming your way